I was in town, taking a stroll while my laptop needed rebooting and happened upon this mural nearby. There were also a few inscriptions written with large chalk pieces on the ground. Jason is gone and I didn’t know why.
After asking around, I found out he had taken his own life. I have so much trouble with this subject. I know what it feels like to rather be dead than alive so I can understand the many reasons why someone would do this. I have felt the unspeakable torment someone can go through when they do not see a way out. But as someone who has come close but been unable to commit suicide, I still have a part of me on the inside that screams, “Why?”
Also, as someone who has lost many friends over the years I have this very odd feeling that it somehow connects directly back to me. Many people I’ve connected with have died over the years and it has made me very self-conscious. I’m very reluctant to connect with people on anything more than the most superficial level because I have the fear that I will lose them as soon as I get close to them.
Jason was a very creative man whom I saw often at the coffee shop on the ground floor below the store that sold his wares. I was always interested in what kinds of projects he was involved in. I often went a bit out of my way during Farmer’s Market to say, “Hello.” We had a few in-depth conversations and I feel I gave him some insight into my being; I let him know what it is like to be me. I can see his face now; the shock, astonishment, and epiphany I saw reflected in his face when he heard me.
Please don’t get me wrong: I certainly feel more sorry for him than for myself. However, I cannot seem to escape the conclusion I was cursed a long time ago and anyone who gets a little too close is affected by this curse.
Needless to say, I am taking this loss very hard.