Dear Nicole Scherzinger,
I know there is very little chance you are going to read this, but I am going to write it anyway. Perhaps you forgot everything about our phone conversation of June 30, 2006. Every last detail of it: from the part where I predicted every printed copy of the Bible would be altered as I described (which, of course, they have!) to my mocking you for engaging in a three-way sex act with Kobe Bryant and Lamar Odom. There is one other part of that conversation I will address in this blog.
It might be an astonishing revelation to people that you somehow knew there was a small cyst in the area of the top of the crack of my buttocks. As I recall it, I was astonished that you had any clue about this irregularity in my anatomy as I do not recall mentioning it to anyone. I was truly amazed that your extra sensory perception powers were able to locate this piece of information at all.
What might also be considered strange to most everyone on the face of the planet is that your Violator of Deuteronomy 18 friends predicted that this thing would burst and I would die. They were so enamored with this prediction that it was worked into the TV show “24” (which I obviously did NOT watch). Why so many of your evil friends predicted bad things would happen to me, and apparently became part of making these bad things happen, is really beyond my ability to understand.
This much I can share with your evil friends, who may or may not be shape-shifters like you are. Once I was forced to live out of my car in 2009, and sleep in it, this cyst became larger. By the time I left California in late 2009 it was about the size of a gumball. Often I had extreme discomfort just sitting in or on anything.
Since the early part of 2010, due to many circumstances beyond my control, the cyst had become irritated on a regular basis and swelled to even larger proportions. On many occasions since, I have had severe pain merely sitting, let alone riding my bicycle which I am forced to do since so many of you that say you love me and care are unwilling or unable to a single thing to make life one bit easier for me.
I would like you to pass along to your friends that, in the very recent past, the aforementioned area became even more inflamed, swollen and a large red patch appeared on my ass. Even though I have limited medical coverage I thought I was going to have to check in at a local hospital to have some kind of surgery in that area. I hope that those of you who really care about me, which certainly does not include you Nicole Scherzinger or Christina Aguilera, that I never lost faith in God and asked Him for His assistance as I have so often in my life and made it clear I would accept any outcome He had in mind for me.
I can now, after checking on a condition that has apparently run it’s course completely, report the cyst is completely gone. I know some people, who are obviously very immature, will find some humor in the image of me checking my ass crack for a cyst to be humorous. Even I can understand there could be some humor in it from a certain perspective. But it’s gone, I’m still alive, and can proudly declare that you and your friends were wrong once again.
Excuse me while I gloat.