So, what do I do?

Yesterday, I had a dream that I want to tell you about. I have often spoken about dreams with people I know; the ones I’ve had and what they mean. Although I am defined by the one dream where God explained it all to me as he had done to Moses, I’ve had many dreams that are much more like the dreams everyone else has. The type of dreams where your conscious and sub-conscious meet to sort things out that you are prevented from doing during your waking hours.

Before I tell you about this recent dream I want to remind you that I see things almost all the time when I close my eyes. I believe because of the trauma I’ve gone through in the last few years and my experiences with seeing the future when I meditate, my mind is sorting through many things and is also trying to repair itself. I consider the Lyme Disease from May of 2007 to be the most significant cause of this mental and spiritual turmoil.

In this dream I met Victoria on the street. She was disheveled, slightly grimy, and very grim looking. I tried to speak with her and she was mostly unresponsive. The only thing I remember her saying to me in this dream was, “This is how I am, now.”

After thinking about this dream, and some of the other strangely clear images I have seen lately when my eyes are closed but not yet asleep, I am sure this was one of those reflexive type of dreams. Even though it looked just like Victoria, so beautiful underneath all the filthy exterior, I believe it was me with Victoria’s exterior. It was my way of telling myself that I am unhappy, I am unable to go where I want to go, I am depressed, and I feel broken in so many ways. That seems to me to be the most likely conclusion I can reach.

The other possibility, which could be reached in combination with all the other images I have had visions of in the last few months is that Victoria is dead but exists somewhere in some “other world.” I have some reason to believe she is out there in some place waiting for me and is reaching out to me as best she can. There are several women who live in this area, a few Nicole told me about on June 30, 2006 that her friends had found. They remind me of Victoria in some way. I must concede that in some strange way I am drawn to them and repelled at the same time. They remind me of how incapable I feel I am in connecting with someone of the opposite sex in any lasting fashion.

It also bears mentioning that no matter how far away from Southern California I am, in the psychological sense, I can never seem to escape Nicole. If I turn on the TV on the wrong network I get bombarded by commercials advertising that horrendous program she got herself on to. Also, with just a short walk to the corner market, I am confronted by her smug smirk on top of a pile of canned soft drinks accompanied by the rest of jerks from the X Factor. The juxtaposition of her image and perhaps the most unhealthy thing you can ingest seems such a perfectly positioned irony, especially if you heard what I said to her on the 30th of June, 2006. I don’t believe any man has had such a good-looking and twisted adversary.

Victoria, if you are out there some place, I would like to be with you again. Despite our differences and conflicts, please know I love you more than I hate Nicole. No matter how much she would try to sabotage what we had with her cursed ways she can never win, no matter how much money she surrounds herself with.

Nicole, I swear to God, you have not even seen the beginning of the suffering you will endure for what you have done. I do have a say about this. I will get around to seeing you severely punished for all the terrible things you have done. On the balance, you are about the worst thing that this world has ever seen. The rest of the hypocrites in this world will always have to take the back seat to you. That is nothing to be proud of.

Read Deuteronomy 30 if you need more information on this subject.

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