posted on December 26, 2009
Me: Welcome to Tele-Jesus, my radio call in show. I’m the Messiah and I’m here to take your calls.
Me: Caller? Are you there?
VO: Hi. Are you really Jesus in the flesh?
Me: Yes. Anything else?
VO: Are you God?
Me: No. I am His servant. He tells me what to do.
VO: How do miracles happen?
Me: Only God could explain that.
VO: Thanks, Jesus.
Me: Next caller.
VO: You are so full of sh..
Me: Sorry, folks. We trying to screen these calls. No doubt some people hate me for some reason. Do we have another caller on the line?
VO: Hey, man. Can you save me?
Me: What’s wrong with you?
VO: I dunno.
Me: Call me back when you figure that out. Anyone else there?
VO: Are you Neo?
Me: In 1996, I called these the “Neo Biblical Times.” Movie makers called me Neo in the movies. No one calls me Neo in person. Some people think I am like John Conner from the Terminator.
VO: Is that why the Governator wanted you killed?
Me: That’s funny. I don’t think Arnold wanted me killed.
VO: Do you think Keanu did a good job?
Me: Yeah. I thought that might impress his cousin. She apparently got the wrong impression and thought I liked being shot.
VO: Another question. Are these the end times?
Me: Yes, as best as I can tell. God is the ultimate authority on that. Next, please.
VO: What is the Archangel Gabriel like?
Me: He loves people. His voice changes depending on whose body he inhabits. He has a great laugh. Sometimes I think he sounds like Terry Jones from Monty Python. Anything else?
VO: You need a blow job.
Me: Yeah, no kidding. Next!
VO: What about you and Denise Richards?
Me: Too late for that. And besides, why would I want to babysit Charlie Sheen’s kids?
VO: Are we being watched?
Me: We are all under constant surveillance, if you know what I mean. Another caller?
VO: Why do you speak in parables and riddles?
Me: Is that not what you expect?
VO: I still don’t believe you.
Me: That’s your choice. But as I indicated before, make up your minds soon because time IS running out.