Britney Spears: Return Your Soul

shared on October 25, 2009

God: Britney!

Britney: Yes, Lord?

God: It’s time.

Britney: Why?

God: You never grew up.  You just kept making things worse.

Britney: Y’all don’t understand!

God: I understand everything.  You were the dark horse in this race.  You never even got to the gate.  Then you ran backwards.

Britney: I don’t get it.  I have a lot of issues.  I didn’t bargain for this.

God: You had a good run overall.  You are pleasingly plump, which girls relate to.  You have some cute friends.  A nice smile.  You married a scumbag and got some cute kids out of him.  Your talent is average.  That you have sold as much as you did is what is difficult to understand.

Britney: Why did I lose so badly?

God: Firstly, you make all the mistakes all girls make.  Then Nicole, who is the real enemy, tried to future forecast you into the arms of the Messiah.

Britney: But there wasn’t time!

God: Yes, there was.   I regret allowing divine beings to send the signal in Stephenville, Texas.  Your response was to go on tour with PCD.  Exactly the wrong choice.  My Son was waiting for you.  You never gave him any reward for his patience.  He would have given you a chance.  You should be ashamed.

Britney: Hey, I can’t even run my own life!  In 2007 I earned $60,000 a day and saved nothing.

God: (sighs) Women.

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