The Rules Have Changed

Was posted the first time on MS July 28, 2008

Dear Secret Agent Sister Leora Ariel Satan Bitch Khomeini,
I am going to die soon. Congratulations on making it this far. You are about to embark on your greatest mission. If you succeed you will be Queen of the Waterworld you were so sure would be this globe’s future. You are an excellent terrorist. I love you, habibi.
Here is what you must do.
Kill Daddy. Get his gun.
Go to war with Mimi and her entire family and kill all of them.
Kill Victoria before she has a chance to kill you. Kill the rest of her family.
Kill Nicole and her entire family. Burn down the house in Kentucky.
Have sex with Japanese businessmen.
Kill Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears and all of their relatives. Argue with Britney and K-Fed’s children.
Find a few homeless guys, have sex with them and give them one of your poisoned Soy Chai Lattes and some sushi.
Kill Sophia, Kenji and Dominic. Kill all of their relatives and friends.
Clone me. Cut the thumbs of the clones like mine.
Have sex with Melinda London. Kill her afterward.
Meet Perez Hilton for drinks.
Kill Danielle, Damian and all of their relatives and friends.
Kill all the Turteltaubs. Kill all the Milrads and Daytons.
Call Jack Nicholson. If possible, screw him and Benicio del Torro.
Take singing lessons from Paula Abdul and audition for the Pussycat Dolls.
Kill Fran Jackson and her entire family.
Go to Africa and teach Pilates to starving children.
Kill everyone at the Synagogue for the Performing Arts.
Go to Israel and kill Hannah and Eytan and start an end of the world war in the Middle East. Kill Eytan’s relatives.
Kill all the Romers. Get Smoody.
Find Uta’s family and kill all of them.
Kill John Travolta’s wife. Fly his airplane.
Hangout with Gwen Stefani. Get into an argument with Kingston.
Attend another one of those Satanic orgies.
Kill Sara Silverman and Squinty.
Go to Iran and kill Ace’s wife and their kids. Marry Ace.
Kill Natalie Portman and her entire family.
Take Posey Von Chunkhoven’s bass.
Kill Lauren. Have sex with Lauren’s Daddy.
 
Track down that studly Greek guy and break his hands.
Kill Alicia Keys.
Give your stupid rat dog another expensive shampoo.
Kill Jay-Z and Beyonce.
Turn your notes on all of this into a screenplay.
Pitch the screenplay at Sony.
Get a tattoo on your cheek to resemble the dot God placed on mine.
Get more Botox, some Lipo, some hair transplants, and permanently attach your cell phone to your head.
Fix your tits with stem cells from someone else’s breast material. Nose job, optional.
 
Castrate Johnny Depp and Kobe Bryant.
Give cancer to Russian people.
Tell David what to do while playing with the other guy’s knives.
Go to the movies with Toni Ann Johnson.
Have sex with Jimmy Iovine and Neelam Vashi.
Kill LL Cool J and Snoop. Get the Snoop family bus.
Move the rest of your belongings into the Yearning for Zion complex.
Stretch with Monica Lewinsky and Jennifer Beale.
Seduce Donald Grau.
Kill Will Weston’s wife, their kids, and marry him, too.
Get into a sexy lockdown with Anna Ayala. Cut off her pinkie.
Buy a large boat with the money you should have collected by then.
Kill Roz Glickman.
Blow up any remaining Virgin Megastores.
Kill Amy Poehler’s unborn baby.
Find Jules Segal and kill him, too.
Have a three-way with Nicolas Cage and Pat Cassidy.
Tell everyone to have a lot of sex in the Summer of 2019 so there will be thousands and thousands of lunatics just like you.
Remind everyone I was Jewish.
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